Guest post written by Vivian Besas:
I left home for the fourth time on February 7, 2012 after spending a 2-month holiday with my husband and our 4 girls, Ysabel, Yleiza, Ymealle and Ylleine ages 9, 5, 4 and 3 at my parents' house.
As soon as my husband and I together with a friend arrived at the Airport I faltered and felt butterflies in my tummy that sent me crying saying to my husband: "Please don't let me go. I don't want to leave anymore"..
But we both knew I needed to so I helplessly took my suitcases with me and checked-in which after I did, went to the exit taking my hand-carry luggage and rushed out straight to the waiting area not bothered about the time which gave me barely 5 minutes till boarding schedule just to kiss and hug my husband goodbye again.
Tears were running down my cheeks from when I entered the airport again until I was seated in the plane. He painfully watched the aircraft with a heart crushed as it took off while I cried incessantly, defeated by the need to go.
It was a very long and agonizing journey as I'm bound for Europe where I work for an English diplomat. During the flight I couldn't stop thinking about my family. If I dose off all I dream of are the girls and my Hubby. I lost the appetite to eat as well that I refused the airline meals. I survived the entire flight with water, coffee and tea one after the other.
I reached Switzerland in an extremely freezing weather of minus 10 degrees centigrade bringing me right there and then winter blues which mercilessly added insult to my injury. It was nonsense as it is impossible but I wished for the snow which covered every roof of every house I saw and everything around to cover me as well and make me numb to ever feel the pain of having to leave my life - MY FAMILY.
It was too impossible to get myself to sleep on the night I was back. Apart from jetlag, I was crazily suffering from homesickness - the worst enemy I believe of people going abroad without their families. I was awake from half past 12 midnight on. Same thing happened the second night
Today, February 10, 2012 I was fumbling through my suitcase which hasn't been touched since I arrived when I found 3 unfamiliar things as they aren't mine:
1. a small blue rosary
2. a yellow-colored smiley eraser
3. a note saying:
"mama I will miss you
ingat diha I love you
I miss you
we love you
we will miss you
from Ysabel, Dagz, Winwin and CS".
I didn't know how to react. But I thought I felt anger. Anger because it hurts! It's Ysabel's and I literally felt her pain too from being left behind. Anger because it filled up that chamber in my heart for keeping my pain in and made me want to scream and cry! I quickly got my phone, navigated to the notepad to write something about what she'd done when a page appeared, caught me completely off-guard and gave me a real painful blow when I read:
"Mama I love you i miss you
Ingat ka diha@"
This time I was sure I was feeling guilty! Guilty for letting her undergo this kind of pain! My mother worked away from home when I was young and is back home only on weekends. But the pain of not being with her over the weeks sent me crying almost every night. How intense is Ysabel's pain then seeing me only for a month twice in a year! Awful lot of pain!
I can no longer allow our pain to go on. My husband feels incomplete, I do too! I'm going home for good before I ruin my children's emotional stability and live my life in regrets. And besides, there's no other place better than home.
I left home for the fourth time on February 7, 2012 after spending a 2-month holiday with my husband and our 4 girls, Ysabel, Yleiza, Ymealle and Ylleine ages 9, 5, 4 and 3 at my parents' house.
As soon as my husband and I together with a friend arrived at the Airport I faltered and felt butterflies in my tummy that sent me crying saying to my husband: "Please don't let me go. I don't want to leave anymore"..
But we both knew I needed to so I helplessly took my suitcases with me and checked-in which after I did, went to the exit taking my hand-carry luggage and rushed out straight to the waiting area not bothered about the time which gave me barely 5 minutes till boarding schedule just to kiss and hug my husband goodbye again.Tears were running down my cheeks from when I entered the airport again until I was seated in the plane. He painfully watched the aircraft with a heart crushed as it took off while I cried incessantly, defeated by the need to go.
It was a very long and agonizing journey as I'm bound for Europe where I work for an English diplomat. During the flight I couldn't stop thinking about my family. If I dose off all I dream of are the girls and my Hubby. I lost the appetite to eat as well that I refused the airline meals. I survived the entire flight with water, coffee and tea one after the other.
I reached Switzerland in an extremely freezing weather of minus 10 degrees centigrade bringing me right there and then winter blues which mercilessly added insult to my injury. It was nonsense as it is impossible but I wished for the snow which covered every roof of every house I saw and everything around to cover me as well and make me numb to ever feel the pain of having to leave my life - MY FAMILY.
It was too impossible to get myself to sleep on the night I was back. Apart from jetlag, I was crazily suffering from homesickness - the worst enemy I believe of people going abroad without their families. I was awake from half past 12 midnight on. Same thing happened the second night
Today, February 10, 2012 I was fumbling through my suitcase which hasn't been touched since I arrived when I found 3 unfamiliar things as they aren't mine:
1. a small blue rosary
2. a yellow-colored smiley eraser
3. a note saying:
"mama I will miss you
ingat diha I love you
I miss you
we love you
we will miss you
from Ysabel, Dagz, Winwin and CS".
I didn't know how to react. But I thought I felt anger. Anger because it hurts! It's Ysabel's and I literally felt her pain too from being left behind. Anger because it filled up that chamber in my heart for keeping my pain in and made me want to scream and cry! I quickly got my phone, navigated to the notepad to write something about what she'd done when a page appeared, caught me completely off-guard and gave me a real painful blow when I read:
"Mama I love you i miss you
Ingat ka diha@"
This time I was sure I was feeling guilty! Guilty for letting her undergo this kind of pain! My mother worked away from home when I was young and is back home only on weekends. But the pain of not being with her over the weeks sent me crying almost every night. How intense is Ysabel's pain then seeing me only for a month twice in a year! Awful lot of pain!
I can no longer allow our pain to go on. My husband feels incomplete, I do too! I'm going home for good before I ruin my children's emotional stability and live my life in regrets. And besides, there's no other place better than home.
nganong nibasa man ko diri Ams oi, naghilaka na nuon ko karon. tingala si bana ug Triz naunsa daw ko. :((
ReplyDeleteso touching. for a wife and a mother to be away from her loves and home, it is the most enduring jud. i am glad she chose the option that will make things and feelings better. kung wa ba sila nagkalisud sa atoa, there's no need to be apart.
mao jud Cel, mao na jud iya decision but, maybe it's meant to be ...
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